


Beloved, Let Me Hump You

by damalur



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: F/M, Porn Battle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-02
Updated: 2010-02-02
Packaged: 2017-10-06 23:27:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/58887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damalur/pseuds/damalur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The problem with this job is that there's just not enough Penny-time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beloved, Let Me Hump You

**Author's Note:**

> For [Porn Battle IX](http://oxoniensis.dreamwidth.org/25077.html?thread=2055157#cmt2055157). I don't know what the capital of Zanzibar is, but I'm pretty sure that Zanzibar is, in fact, a country.

The thing about having, like, an actual _job_, is that there's way less Penny-time than Penny prefers. Okay, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory sucked balls, but when she wanted a little bang, there was time for a little bang, right? Now she's taping at three in the morning and she is _horny_.

She's never been one of those women willing to sacrifice sex for a good reputation; if getting laid regularly means that the word _slut_ gets tossed around once in a while, well, them's the kicks. Anyway, she's knows she's not a slut—she doesn't sleep with married men (at least if she knows they're married) or cheat on her boyfriends—she just likes sex.

The problem is when you have a job that demands three-in-the-morning coherence, and on top of that you've got a movie in the works, and on top of that you have all these press appearances and guest spots, and on top of that you occasionally like to _sleep_, is that there's not a lot of time for anything more than an infrequent one-nighter.

She considers actually, briefly, now that she has the money, hiring a male escort. Except, wow, that puts her on a level with _Howard_. Instead she invests in an industrial-strenght vibrator and gets really, really good at fantasizing.

The problem with _that_, though (it's like a problem orgy all in here) is that sometimes the fantasies hit at the most inopportune moments. There's this time she goes on celebrity Jeopardy! with a bunch of other actors, and this British guy who apparently has a lawyer show (in America? go figure) gives her a _look_ and does this thing where he touches his tongue to the back of his teeth. His features are kind of lopsided, but Penny feels an embarrassing rush of warmth between her legs anyway. Fortunately Sheldon spent the last month coaching her at every available opportunity—he even shouted questions at her through the bathroom door, which at the time Penny found annoying, although now she appreciates his dedication—so she doesn't miss a beat when Alex asks her the capital of Zanzibar.

Or there's this time when she's presenting the Emmy for Best Writing in a Variety, Music, or Comedy Program (Jon Stewart and his people win for the twelve billionth time), and David Boreanez takes her hand to help her down from the stage. It makes her feel super skeazy, because he's married and also _he's married_, but she can't help but notice how nice his hands are, sort of broad and tapered.

She's knows it's bad when she does an appearance on Letterman and starts to think about his suit (which is, admittedly, gorgeous), but the man inside is..._morally objectionable_ makes her sound like Sheldon's mom, but yeah, she remembers the scandal from a couple years ago. _Slimeball_ might be a better word. And then it gets _even worse_, because the guys are feeding her take-out on her day off and she starts remembering what it was like to sleep with Leonard.

Holy crap, _Leonard_. Don't get her wrong, Leonard is sweet and funny and probably her best friend, other than maybe Sheldon (don't tell Sheldon that), but Leonard had difficulty finding her clit even after she'd drawn him that diagram.

"Oh God," she groans, around a mouthful of Phad Thai. "I need to get laid. Howard, _not a word_."

The room freezes. Raj lets loose a squeak that has her wanting to apply WD-40 to his jaw. Leonard drops his spring roll. Sheldon swallows and says, "Are you masturbating regularly?"

"Wow," Penny says. "I thought I could have this conversation, but it turns out I was completely wrong. Who wants to watch _Star Wars_?"

The upshot of all this is that she stumbles into her trailer with one of the assistant directors at quarter-past four in the morning. His name (she thinks) is Dai, and he has dark hair and strikingly light eyes, and he's wearing a Dr. Horrible shirt but also has a tan. The last tidbit whizzes through Penny's head as she tries to strip his pants off, and she spares a millisecond for astonishment before she sinks to her knees and swallows as much of his erection as is physically possible.

Maybe it's not true love, but she's about sixteen times more relaxed at the next rehearsal. She doesn't even smack Sheldon when he shows up on the set and harangues Dai about a continuity error.


End file.
